Thanks FDA, You're the Best

No, really. I mean it; from the bottom of my ever-blackening heart. I love calling doctors to change people from ER metoprolol to IR metoprolol. I love telling pregnant women that their prenatals are going to look "a little different." Both of these acts are just asking for a bad time. Those of you who've dealt with this can empathize.

Let me ask you this FDA, have you ever had to deal with these things multiple times in multiple days for multiple months? It fucking blows, FDA. You don't call doctors. You don't talk to (pregnant errrr irrational errrrr hormonal) patients. Why you gotta be measurin' all the tablets, yo?

For those of you (and I mean both of you whom are loyal readers) who don't know, I'm referring to the FDA's utter demolishing of the drug company ETHEX. They seemed to be reputable enough, I don't know. All I know is they're gone and the FDA is the one who put them out of commission and we in the rank and file are left to clean up the wreckage.

What did they really do? Inconsistent tablet sizes are the reports I've most often seen. I'm not buyin' it. I'm not sure what higher-up told an FDA official to "fuck off," but it wasn't a good idea. Now the FDA knocks on your door with some calipers and a shit-eating grin. "Fuck off," you say, says the FDA, "well I don't fucking thing so," retorts the FDA. Now let me in so I can randomly measure all of your tablets.

This is an agency that has poetic license. I liken them to the scary old man with the brown slacks (yes, slacks) in the middle of August who steals your Frisbee because it happens to stray onto his lawn. He shakes his finger with pallor and says something like "now it's mine!" Well, friends this is the FDA. They are old, callous, and if you piss them off, they will take your Frisbee. Frisbee in this case being Metoprolol Succinate and Prenatal Vitamins.

I can't wait for the next round. I'm sure the FDA has something up it's (short) sleeve (with a yellowish pattern and a butterfly collar - remember the old man). Get fucked FDA, I've gotta go make some more senseless calls.

Actual Phone Call....

Me: Hello, may I help you?

Dumbass: Yeah, Uh, pharmacy....

M: Yes, you've reached the pharmacy.

DA: Uh, is this the farmist? (I like where this is going)

M: Yes, this is the farmist. (it's just easier)

DA: I've never been there before, is that going to be a issue?

Sidebar:

While I respect the fact that this waste of air was able to form a cohesive sentence/question, another piece of me has perished (again). Let's analyze the statement, shall we? "Is that going to be an issue?" It most definitely sounds to be "an issue" since you have no fucking clue how to communicate. I have no idea what my response should begin to sound like - seriously. After much silence and thinking, I came up with...

M: In what respect?

DA: I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE!

M: That much I ascertained from your previous statement, sir. We do indeed fill prescriptions for people whom have never frequented our location previously, however.

DA: Oh, aaaa, really?

M: Yes, really.

DA: Okay then....

I'll spare you the rest, but it turns out we don't take his insurance. Could have maybe just led with that question. Something like "I have BC/BS of East Bumfuck - do yous take it?" The answer is no. None of me dies this way.

I love the smell of forgery in the...evening...

ah, it's good to be back. okay, not really. but second day back after vacation and catching a user is just fantastic to me.

so, rx gets dropped off in the drive-thru, all torn up and whatnot, written today (it seriously looked like it had been in a washing machine) of course for...what else people...."hydrocodone 10/325." the first tip off was that there was already writing on it, date of birth and allergy, from another pharmacy. which, of course, means they took it somewhere first and they did not fill it. i can't imagine why. i ask if she had been to a store of ours before, the answer being no, and if she had insurance, and she said she was paying in cash. ah ha....second tip off.
so i go abouts my usual central search and find her name, but having nothing filled since 2005. i figured that can't be right, so i opened the search broader, and find a hyphenated last name for her, but no meds under that since 2007. so, for shits and giggles i look her up under the other last name and BANG, she's been going to a store near her house (a town over) regularly, and using a DIFFERENT last name that what is on the prescription. one, i'm assuming is her maiden name, and one her married name. and...hahaha, turns out she has an insurance. crafty ol' me. so, la la la, process said script under her insurance and...dun dun dun...reject! "similar medication quantity left on 1st rx" delightful. for me at least. so a quick call to the insurance reveals that she had received a months worth of tramadol yesterday, and was still finishing up some 7.5/500s from the middle of July. tee-hee, i'm on to her game. i find out where the script was processed before she took it to me, and i give the other pharmacist a call and turns out they found out the same thing from her insurance and refused to fill it.
then a smile creeps onto my face (not unlike the Grinch) as i start to write aaalllll over it, that she actually has insurance and she is getting medications under her maiden name AND her married name, some as cash some under her insurance. i get a warm fuzzy feeling inside when i do this. and, really, the icing on the cake is when i make a copy and write a little note and fax it to her doctor's office about the goings-on. ah, satisfaction.
i can't help but smile when i hand the script back, after explaining that we would have to call and verify the fill with the doctor. she, of course, wants the prescription back. and i get a little tingle when she frowns at the writing on it. sad for her.

what makes it worse is that she had two little kids with her. i mean, 2-year-old, and one maybe 8 months or so. i feel sad knowing they have to grow up with parents that lie and cheat the system to get narcotics which they either sell or use or both.

some days, i lose all faith in humanity.

Top Ten Reasons You Need Lortab (or other controlled substances) Early!

10. Sold it all
9. Was taking over the toilet and dropped the whole bottle in (Why.....?)
8. My purse was stolen
7. My doc told me to take more (this one's a 50/50, sorry MDs, you fuck up too...)
6. My dog/cat/llama/iguana was playing with the bottle.......
5. Was taking over the sink and dropped the whole bottle down the drain (What.....?)
4. They broke into my car (and only stole my controlled substance)
3. My doctor wrote me a new subscription, so I can get it (Not so much)
2. They broke into my house (No, your police report will not net you an early refill)
1. Going on vacation. If you take a controlled substance, your likelihood for vacation increases
by at least 10-fold.

There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Who Ask Questions

Many times during my day I will be interrupted. Sometimes by the elderly, sometimes by the rude, sometimes by the ignorant and sometimes by the elderly, rude and ignorant. I love the last trifecta. ERIs (elderly, rude, ignorant) looovvvve to ask questions.

It will start out innocent and annoying enough. EXCUSE ME! I HAVE A RASH! WHAT WOULD BE GOOD FER IT?!?

Here we go. I ask the typical 'try to get down to the bottom of it' questions. When did it start, where is it (that one can go terribly awry), how long have you had it, is it itchy (thank you Drugmonkey), is it raised, is it dry, is it puffy, did you start using a new soap, have you been in the woods, so on and so forth...

No matter what, these old codgery fuckers always pick what THEY picked. Why fucking ask me and waste my rash curin' time if you're going to ignore my 'expertise' and give me a dirty look. Listen, I have no problem with you wasting your hard earned social security check (that I provide you) on Benadryl Gel. If you want to get that even though I told you it was useless (it really is) then fine; be my fucking guest. Get your black salve and drown yourself in it - it's your money and my time you're wasting.

It gets down to this: you want to hear me say you're right. Well, you're not. I'm sorry, but you wouldn't be guessing and/or asking if you were. I don't go to a mechanic with my car and say "could I put these bicycle tires on it, they're just as good, right?" Instead, I value their opinion so I don't crash and/or die. Take a lesson.

The next group of turds that irk me are the "I thought a pharmacist would know" assholes. A woman calls and says "What's phosphorus?" I can't conjure this, that was her question. What do you say? I said, "it's an element." That went over like a fart in church. "You don't know," asked the woman. "I just told you," I retorted. "Well what does it do?" I'm not sure what she was looking for at this point. The rest of the conversation was basically me defending my stature as a non-retarded human being. Who just sits around and thinks of this shit, seriously. I told her it's mostly used in matchtips and fireworks - not the answer she was looking for.

A woman came to the counter and said she mistakenly took her dog's heartworm medication (in a huff). "What's going to happen?," she exclaimed. After I realized she was serious, I told her to talk to poison control or her vet. How fucking stupid must you be? You took your dog's heartworm medication. How do you fuck that up? Congrats, you've made my list.

Stop making me doubt that I have a clue in life. You (the people-ish types mentioned above) need to strap it down (I have no idea what that means) and stop talking. Thanks.

User O' The Day (Two In Fact!!)

Aahh it was a bright an early Friday morning, T-minus 8 hours until my VACATION (hey, I only get one a year) and my first phone call of the day was from, oddly enough, Phrustrated's replacement in our CorpoPharma family. We chat often, I knew him as an intern, all around good guy. Anywho, it was regarding a mutual user of ours who had showed up, bright and shining at 9am at said other store looking for his "'prazolams" (I'm...not kidding) one day early. The funny part was...that his doctor's office had mailed them to my pharmacy and I had been planning to drop them off later, along with the cover scripts they mistakenly sent us as well. Well, lo and behold, not 10 minutes later I see a GIANT red-faced huffing and puffing man at my Drop-Off counter. And I mean....GIANT.
"Hey, the other pharmacy said you had my scrips!"
Yes, I did. And oh, the doctor was smart enough to even post-date it. There's a reason they do that; because they've had trouble with you getting them early before. And I even saw the pharmacy law argument coming from miles away. I informed him that we could not change the date on a controlled substance prescription over the phone and his doctor would have to write out a new one. No, he can't phone it in.
"Look, I know the law, and I know that this is only a Tier 1 medication! I gotta get these I have a big weekend planned!" A big weekend of passing out I assume.

Uh, what? You mean a generic, say I. "No, there's three tiers of drugs and these are like...Tier 1, and then there's Tier 2, and Tier 3 is like my Oxycontins and Codones (which he is on too, of course) and stuff. You know what I'm talking about."
Oh. No, I don't. So I looked the angry red fatman in the eye and say, "Actually, there are five SCHEDULES of controlled substances, and this one is a schedule 4. And I know the law, too." Angry red-faced fatman sits down muttering to himself and proceeds to whip out a cell phone and try to get ahold of his doctor's office. Then, he says those magic words: "Is there a 24-hour store around here?" And you know what, I gave the fatman his prescription; no pharmacist in their right mind would fill a post-dated control, and if he tried to change the date (a big tip-off, you users) the doctors office, just a phone call away, is closed. Mwahahahaha. So at least when he goes to fill it at 12:01am, he's not my problem.

Later today, about T-minus 4 hours til VACATION, a get a Soma script shoved at me.
"What kinda Somas do you guys have? The ones with the 'CORE'(Corepharma) or whut?" I informed him that we carried Qualitest brand. "Oh hey, lemme see those" and I show the silly user our carisoprodol, and I get the "No, I dunno what it is about some of them but those don't work, gimme my scrip back"

Ahh, what a fun-filled last day before I have to be back two Mondays from now.

So, at work we keep a log of stupid things our fine customers say. No, really. It's a notebook entitled "Famous Quotes" you all should really see it sometime. We've had quite unbelievable quotes from people, but today I added one that I think topped the charts.
And I quote: "This isn't fucking Russia!!"

Now, where would such an utterance come from, might you ask. I mean, this is a pharmacy, not a political meeting of any sort. But today, when I told a 70-something woman that she couldn't sit in the drive-thru (hence the name) for 15 minutes and wait for her prescription, so proceeded to tell me something about how "this is America" and my reply was the classic look of confusion, and this is the truth I swear, I said "uh...what?" I had to take a minute and step back and think about what this woman was telling me. But instead I told her it would be 15 minutes she could go wait in the parking lot and come back in 15 into the other lane. To this, she backed her car up, and just shimmied right into the other lane, assuming, I guess, that she was just going to wait there in the pick-up lane. I had had it so I was just going to leave her there to sit when, of course, another car pulls behind her. At this point my partner stepped in and asked the woman to move so we could take care of the person behind her and that she couldn't wait in the drive-thru. And to this, her reply was "This isn't fucking Russia!!" and then some more ramblings on about how this was just ridiculous and she left another pharmacy before this one because of the wait (basically, in a nutshell, one of the just-give-it-to-me people). The customers inside were truly aghast as the woman kept yelling in the drive-thru about America and Russia (because, I can only assume, in Russia prescriptions take 15 minutes to fill, whereas in America, they are magically filled when you get there) and then asked for her prescriptions back. I kinda want to know where she eventually took it, seeing as the store down the street from us is usually an hour wait, and the one beyond that in the next town over is probably more because they do a solid 400 by 1pm on any given Monday. I wonder if she ever found that magical pharmacy....you know the one where your prescriptions are filled with no wait and you can get your controls 15 days early.

So, for shits and giggles I call down the street to talk to Phrustrated's sister-in-law who works where the lady had just come from to hear their tale. It ran pretty much the same, only the wait-time there was 45 minutes and she had wanted to wait in the drive-thru. But I guess they were not special enough for the Russia vs. America rant.

Someday I will have to go to a pharmacy in Russia...perhaps yell at them that "This isn't America!" for no real reason whatsoever. In fact I plan on it...