I got into an argument with a deaf woman....

.....and I lost. It wasn't a fair fight, really. First of all, it was a phone conversation. Yeah, that's right (thanks New York State). NY has a system called "NYS Relay" for the deaf/hearing impaired. It works by the deaf/hearing impaired person typing into a prompter/futuristic device ----> to an operator whom interprets and speaks to you (and says "GO AHEAD" after every fucking statement). You then respond (go ahead) -----> operator types what you say to the deaf/hearing impaired person. Let it be known a normal conversation is about as much fun as getting the back of your balls hit with a spiked bat. Now, I have nothing against deaf people; I had a late uncle who was deaf (from birth) and was quite affable. The hearing impaired, however (read: old crotchety people), are on my shitlist. Hear's (pardon the pun) how the convo went:

Me: Pharmacy, may I help you?

Operator: This is NYS relay, have you..

M: "go ahead"

O: Hi.........my........name........is.........Helen........Keller.......I......need.......rxs......delivered.......(ga)
note: (ga) will now = "go ahead" for typing/sanity purposes
M: What are the numbers (ga)?

O: I..........don't..........have............them............I...........was...........told...........to.............call..........your...
store........b/c.........you..........have...........delivery................(ga)

M: (I like where this is headed - look in Helen's profile --- last filled 2004 - fuck me) All of your rxs are expired, we'll have to contact your doctor (ga).

O: But..........I.............get..........them..........at............a..........different............chain............store......(ga)

M: We'll have to transfer the rxs to our store (ga)

O: But.........I..........was..........told.........you..........deliver...........(ga)

M: (What?) What? (ga)

O: When..........will.............I............get..........my............rxs..............?.........(ga)

M: I don't have them here, I'll have to obtain them from the other store (Oh, yeah, the rxs at said location were expired/outa refills and it was Christmas Eve - no delivery or hope until Jesus's b-day was over) (ga)

O: But.........I...........was...........told.........to.........call..........you.............(ga)

M: I don't dispute that fact (ga)

I'll end the misery here. This went on for TWENTY, count 'em, TWENTY fucking minutes of my semi-valuable life I will never get back. I stayed up twenty minutes later that night to try, but it just wasn't the same.

I hate relay calls, but the deaf/hearing impaired need phones too. I'm just glad it wasn't a Jetson's vis-a-phone or I would have really been up shit's creek. As frustrating as the relay calls may be, they beat the hell out of my knowledge of sign language - which only consists of "fuck you asshole." Come to think, that would've worked. Jesus loves me, this I know because NY relay tells me so.

Happy New Year (I think)

Let's talk about sex ba-by, let's talk about pharm-a-cy

Damn you Salt 'n' Pepa for making sex a liberating topic of discussion. Because of this 1987 'jam,' people now come to pharmacies for sexual aids. Not just any people, mind you, but the great unwashed. Perhaps Christina Aguilera's "Diiiiiirty" (or something retarded like that) inspired these dirtbags to venture down to the ol' pharmacy to pick up some condoms and lube. Grrreaaat.

True story (it has to be): A man approaches the "consultation" area of the pharmacy a little standoffishly. He is holding no products, so I assume he's got a routine question - where's the Claritin, do you carry distilled water (why do so many people need that shit?), do you carry stiptic pencils, etc. Nope, I couldn't be so lucky. The man utters "what's the best lube for anal?" Now, the first thing I think of when I hear 'anal' is "that's where poopy comes from." I find it to be a disgusting act personally, but hey, to each his own. Far be it from me to stop a loving couple from hittin' ye ole Hershey highway (shudder). What the man says next will haunt me for the rest of my life: "Should HE always wear a condom?" My mind started shouting "I need an adult, I need an adult," but that adult was me. My response was "a....ah....uh...yes, yes, of course, every time." "What if we're" "Yes!" I interrupted, not wanting any more details. He kept asking me which was best so I finally relented and told him they're all about the same, but don't use any of the heating ones (ya know the massage ones that get stolen). How I said this with a straight face is beyond me, but he deserved that answer. I know I'm supposed to be professional in all sitches, but c'mon - you don't ambush someone like that. At the very least he should have said something like "My extremely gay partner and I like to be ass pirates" which would at least put me in a frame of mind to help. Not this guy. I just hope I don't end up a throw pillow on his couch someday.

The next sex tale is less stomach churning. A late teens to early 20's girl and her friend come to the aforementioned window with a gaggle of condoms. My young female technician went to help them, but upon seeing the plethora of prophylactics promptly said "it's fer you..." I had no idea the young ladies had our family planning rack in the consultation window, so when I went over I was a bit taken back. "Big night planned?" I quipped. She laughed and said "No, not exactly." "How can I help?" I questioned gingerly. "Well, my boyfriend says these don't fit him," she said pointing to a box of 'magnum' condoms. "Congratulations!" I said sarcastically. She once again chuckled and asked what to do. What do I say in this situation? For all intents and purposes, these things could fit a horse's cock, let alone what this guy was claiming to be packing. "Are you sure they don't fit?" I asked. She said "Well, he says it 'cuts off his circulation' when he wears it." This guy is good. Not only has he almost convinced this dimwit to ride bareback, he's also convinced her his penis is big enough to fit in a hot air balloon. She left the counter as I had no real advice for her. I didn't want the boyfriend to come back and beat me with is freakishly large penis (yeah, whatever) for calling him a liar. Some problems don't involve a pharmacist's help - I'd say this constitutes as one of those scenarios. Just blow him or something and leave me alone. At least she left all the condoms there.

Lastly, we carry a product called "Mandelay." You do the math. Luckily, I've had no questions on the product, but even the dumbest of premature ejaculators can figure this one out. Mandelay. It gets more funny every time I see it or hear it.

Thank God we don't carry dildos. I'm sure it's just a matter of time.