The Confusing World Of Numbers

this is....an actual phone conversation....undoctored because, well there's just no reason to.

caller: "hi, i'm calling because i'm running out of medicine and i need a refill"

me: "okay great, well do you have the prescription numbers?"

caller: "sure, 403561 and 403562".................at this point i notice something wrong as our prescription numbers are 7 digits to begin with

me: "well, those aren't our prescription numbers, what's your name then?" she gives me her name and i'm searching in our system only to turn up empty-handed

me: "okay ma'am, those aren't our numbers and i can't find your name in our system, are you sure you're calling the right pharmacy?"

caller: "well, i'm not sure, they told me to call this number. this is springville pharmacy right?"

me: "no.............this is xxx pharmacy......"

caller: "well, what should i do? there's a phone number on the bottle, should i call that?"






uh, what?

So, How Much Will That Cost Me?

....I don't know. That's my honest and typical answer. I really don't know. I have an inkling, but one can never know for sure. I have a better idea than you do, but I don't know the finite answer. Why is that dumbfounding?

Here are some rhetorical questions that I ask in my head (while I'm attempting to process the claim so they go the fuck away) to allow me to cope:

Who let you out of your nursing home?
Where's your shower?
Does it really matter?
What is the monetary threshold that will make that horrible cough linger?
Do you have a better or cheaper way to get a hard-on?
What if I told you seven hundred dollars?
What if I told you three dollars?
Why would I be kidding you?
Do you think staring at me whilst typing will lower the amount owed?
Who do you think that toupee is fooling, honestly?
Why aren't you working?
When did you enjoy a "triple whopper" last?

I love the third tier. I really do. It's the most expensive and most confounding of all the tiers. It offers mesmerizing words such as "prior" and "authorization" in the same sentence often. It contains obsequious copays and dazzling drugs. Yes, the third tier is the shit. Maybe that's why doctors write prescriptions in the third tier. Then again, maybe the same asshole standing in front of me disagreed with the doctor's assessment. Then, the doctor, being human, wrote a prescription that s/he knew would be expensive. This concludes the third tier lesson.

The FDA is really starting to grind my gears.

Seriously. WTF with all the medguides? I can't give anything out now without some stupid question. It's bad enough that people think "metoprolol succinate" is pronounced mutupral succulent - oh yes they did. Now every douche with a fifth-grade education thinks their tendons are going to snap/burst or they're going to commit suicide. Look, you may grow a baboon ass for all I know, but if it's printed, then people are going to think this shit will affect them. As some dumb ass lady told me today: "I know my system." What the fuck ever.

FDA - stop it already, we get it. You are omnipotent and scary. You can make or break companies in a single pen stroke. Here's a thought: how about NOT APPROVING this shit in the first place? Oh, now that you have the money it's o.k. to fuck with people. Look, nobody's saying you're not the man, just ease the fuck up. Jesus.

There, I'm better (sort of).