Contrary to popular belief, I am not a carnival psychic. When you call me and say: "Did my doctor call in a prescription?" I shut it down. Ever see "The Simpsons" when Homer's brain says "that's it, I'm outta here," accompanied by running footsteps and a door slamming? Well, the utter silence you hear after you utter that question is what's going on in my noggin. It's great to say nothing after that question. The lacrosse helmet wearer on the other end usually says "HELLLLOOO?"
At this point, I switch to everybody's superhero, smarmy pharmacist dickhead guy (catchy, no?). I respond to their question and subsequent HELLLOOO by saying "it would all depend on who you are and who your doctor is........."
LHW: "Huh?"
SPDG: "I'm sorry?"
LHW: "DID MY DOCTOR CALL IN MY PRESCRIPTION OR NOT?!???
SPDG: "Again, it would depend upon who you are"
LHW: "Oh. Yeah. (neither are sentences or responses by the way)
SPDG: "Will you tell me your name?"
LHW: "Ohhh- My name is Lacrosse Helmetwearer - my doc sent it over the computer..."
SPDG: (why me, why now, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck)
LHW: "It's for a script..... (no shit)
SPDG: "Who's your doctor and what's he calling in?" (I feel like Arnold (the governator) in Kindergarten Cop at this point - "who is your daddy and what does he do?")
LHW: Ohhhhh. Ummmm Dr. Stupid and he callin' in a thing for my foot.
SPDG: (I'll give you a foot directly to your head which is up your ass - two birds one stone)
No, I'm sorry I haven't received anyth
Interrupting LHW: I just called him 15 minutes ago....
This is my typical day about 3 times an hour. I'd just like to ask everyone to please not be socially retarded. When you call anyplace, identify yourself if appropriate. You might be saving a life on the other end of the phone - mine.
I'm gonna go throw rocks at passing cars now. Ta-ta
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
You know, when Plan A doesn't cross anyone's mind...
I just heard a radio ad today for Plan B...or "emergency contraceptive" as they like to call it. it consists of two girls chatting away about not using condoms and the commercial ends in a nice slogan "after the fact, after the act."
now, i'll be the first to say that I have nothing at all againt Plan B. I'm not gonna bring a political argument into this but I'm pro-choice and happy to say it. What I do have a problem with is what Plan B is now being used for. I have had one, ONE, woman come to me, completely embarrassed to be buying it, explaining (not that I had asked) that he forgot to wear a condom yadda yadda.
I have had DOZENS of girls come in to buy it (or with a nice rx for it from the Planned Parenthood down the street) with no sense of the lesson here. I give out Plan B to welfare recipients who are not on any form of birth control. I gave a Plan B to a couple once where the boy exclaimed "wow $40? we got it for $20 at Planned Parenthood last time."
Last time. Meaning that this has happened more than once. Girls are currently using this as birth control, instead of practicing safe sex methods. because condoms "aren't cool." whatever. Plan B should be used exactly as its name implies: when Plan A fails.
There's no radio ad for condoms. Or for preventing STDs or how to practice safe sex. No ads telling you how many young people contract AIDS by not practicing safe sex. No ad the educates young minds about consequences of whoring around with the hottest guy in homeroom and having his baby at 16.
I'm all for Plan B for the RIGHT reasons. NOT as birth control. Sometimes I feel like throwing a 6-pack of Trojans in the bag at no cost in the hopes they'll get used. These scripts come with REFILLS. But never, NEVER do I see a Plan B script with an accompanying script for birth control. Or even condoms, cuz welfare (ahem, I and my fellow citizens with jobs) will pay for those too.
If you don't know how to take on the responsibility sex comes with, you shouldn't be having it.
We're one step away from radio ads explaining how to use a wire coat-hanger, people.
This subject really gets me fired up... so in closing let me give you some stats:
"Nearly four in 10 young women become pregnant at least once before they reach the age of 20. This totals nearly one million a year. Eight in ten of these pregnancies are unintended."
"Teen mothers are less likely to complete high school, (only one-third receive a high school diploma) and more likely to end up on welfare (nearly 80 percent of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare)." This means that not only am I paying for your uneducated ass, I'm paying for your goddamn kid's too.
"The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world. Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually." 7 fucking billion dollars.
" Every year 3 million teens--about 1 in 4 sexually active teens-get a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD)."
oh ho and my personal favorite: " Young Americans between the ages of 13 and 24 are still contracting HIV at the rate of 2 per hour." age fucking 13.
"The correct and consistent use of latex condoms during sexual intercourse- vaginal, anal, or oral-can greatly reduce a person’ s risk of acquiring or transmitting most STDs, including HIV infection, gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomonas, human papilloma virus infection (HPV), and hepatitis B." straight from the FDA.
sorry to go all political on you, but dammit, when you see these girls in here (especially more than once) picking up Plan B that are so young, so obviously uneducated, a part of me dies a little inside. How many STDs or pregnancies could have been prevented by using Plan A.
now, i'll be the first to say that I have nothing at all againt Plan B. I'm not gonna bring a political argument into this but I'm pro-choice and happy to say it. What I do have a problem with is what Plan B is now being used for. I have had one, ONE, woman come to me, completely embarrassed to be buying it, explaining (not that I had asked) that he forgot to wear a condom yadda yadda.
I have had DOZENS of girls come in to buy it (or with a nice rx for it from the Planned Parenthood down the street) with no sense of the lesson here. I give out Plan B to welfare recipients who are not on any form of birth control. I gave a Plan B to a couple once where the boy exclaimed "wow $40? we got it for $20 at Planned Parenthood last time."
Last time. Meaning that this has happened more than once. Girls are currently using this as birth control, instead of practicing safe sex methods. because condoms "aren't cool." whatever. Plan B should be used exactly as its name implies: when Plan A fails.
There's no radio ad for condoms. Or for preventing STDs or how to practice safe sex. No ads telling you how many young people contract AIDS by not practicing safe sex. No ad the educates young minds about consequences of whoring around with the hottest guy in homeroom and having his baby at 16.
I'm all for Plan B for the RIGHT reasons. NOT as birth control. Sometimes I feel like throwing a 6-pack of Trojans in the bag at no cost in the hopes they'll get used. These scripts come with REFILLS. But never, NEVER do I see a Plan B script with an accompanying script for birth control. Or even condoms, cuz welfare (ahem, I and my fellow citizens with jobs) will pay for those too.
If you don't know how to take on the responsibility sex comes with, you shouldn't be having it.
We're one step away from radio ads explaining how to use a wire coat-hanger, people.
This subject really gets me fired up... so in closing let me give you some stats:
"Nearly four in 10 young women become pregnant at least once before they reach the age of 20. This totals nearly one million a year. Eight in ten of these pregnancies are unintended."
"Teen mothers are less likely to complete high school, (only one-third receive a high school diploma) and more likely to end up on welfare (nearly 80 percent of unmarried teen mothers end up on welfare)." This means that not only am I paying for your uneducated ass, I'm paying for your goddamn kid's too.
"The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world. Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually." 7 fucking billion dollars.
" Every year 3 million teens--about 1 in 4 sexually active teens-get a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD)."
oh ho and my personal favorite: " Young Americans between the ages of 13 and 24 are still contracting HIV at the rate of 2 per hour." age fucking 13.
"The correct and consistent use of latex condoms during sexual intercourse- vaginal, anal, or oral-can greatly reduce a person’ s risk of acquiring or transmitting most STDs, including HIV infection, gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomonas, human papilloma virus infection (HPV), and hepatitis B." straight from the FDA.
sorry to go all political on you, but dammit, when you see these girls in here (especially more than once) picking up Plan B that are so young, so obviously uneducated, a part of me dies a little inside. How many STDs or pregnancies could have been prevented by using Plan A.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Do as I say and you live...
Perhaps one of the most underrated awesomely bad movies of all time, Snakes on a Plane did have its moments. Sometimes being at work is just like fighting snakes...sneaky snakes...
At any rate, I think much of my frustration stems from patients (/customers/i didn't pay that much attention in pharmacy ethics and communication) is the fact that they don't listen. I'm sure they hear me. Most of them appear to acknowledge my generous wealth of knowlegde as it pours out of my mouth in a futile attempt to better your life. I mean, if you don't want to hear my answer, please just don't bother to ask. It's a waste of my time and yours. If you ask me a question, and reply with something like "yeah but my neighbor/cribbage partner/garbage man told me such-n-such would work better" then you obviously didn't want to her my fucking opinion anyway. so go ahead and put that sweet oil that you want to pay $5 in your ear...maybe you should have listened when I say "its just olive oil" and you probably A) already have it in your house or B) should maybe find out WHY your ear hurts in the first place.
When I have to explain why things are the way they are 3+ times, I start to get a little aggravated. I know you hear me, but you have to learn to quiet the voice in your head screaming "OF COURSE I KNOW MORE THAN THIS MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL MY GREAT AUNT IS A RETIRED NURSE" while i'm talking to you.
Sometimes I have important tidbits of information for you that may mean the difference between a healthy drug regimen or blowing out your internal organs. When I explain that you shouldn't be hitting the sauce while you're on Coumadin, don't ask "are you sure?" because then I am tempted to say "well go ahead, I hope you'll be alive to tell me how that went..."
When you show me a cut/scrape/puncture wound/something impaled in your hand and ask "what should I do?" and I tell you to seek medical attention immediately, don't whine and ask me if there's just some (i can only assume magical) cream you can put on it. I know that you know that you should see a doctor; I also know that you think you can get some free medical advice and a [cheap] cure-all from your local friendly pharmacy, and I also know that if I don't tell you what you want to hear, you will throw caution to the wind and let your extremity fester until amputation.
And I'll be honest. Sometimes I give in. You'll do what you want anyway. So I'll send you on your merry way with a tube of Neosporin.
But don't say I didn't warn you. Shut your damn yap and listen. When you OD on Lortab (better known as Loritabs) or get pregnant while on Amoxicillin I'll be the one giving you a nice smile-n-wave next time you're in the drugstore.
Maybe you can name the baby after me.
At any rate, I think much of my frustration stems from patients (/customers/i didn't pay that much attention in pharmacy ethics and communication) is the fact that they don't listen. I'm sure they hear me. Most of them appear to acknowledge my generous wealth of knowlegde as it pours out of my mouth in a futile attempt to better your life. I mean, if you don't want to hear my answer, please just don't bother to ask. It's a waste of my time and yours. If you ask me a question, and reply with something like "yeah but my neighbor/cribbage partner/garbage man told me such-n-such would work better" then you obviously didn't want to her my fucking opinion anyway. so go ahead and put that sweet oil that you want to pay $5 in your ear...maybe you should have listened when I say "its just olive oil" and you probably A) already have it in your house or B) should maybe find out WHY your ear hurts in the first place.
When I have to explain why things are the way they are 3+ times, I start to get a little aggravated. I know you hear me, but you have to learn to quiet the voice in your head screaming "OF COURSE I KNOW MORE THAN THIS MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL MY GREAT AUNT IS A RETIRED NURSE" while i'm talking to you.
Sometimes I have important tidbits of information for you that may mean the difference between a healthy drug regimen or blowing out your internal organs. When I explain that you shouldn't be hitting the sauce while you're on Coumadin, don't ask "are you sure?" because then I am tempted to say "well go ahead, I hope you'll be alive to tell me how that went..."
When you show me a cut/scrape/puncture wound/something impaled in your hand and ask "what should I do?" and I tell you to seek medical attention immediately, don't whine and ask me if there's just some (i can only assume magical) cream you can put on it. I know that you know that you should see a doctor; I also know that you think you can get some free medical advice and a [cheap] cure-all from your local friendly pharmacy, and I also know that if I don't tell you what you want to hear, you will throw caution to the wind and let your extremity fester until amputation.
And I'll be honest. Sometimes I give in. You'll do what you want anyway. So I'll send you on your merry way with a tube of Neosporin.
But don't say I didn't warn you. Shut your damn yap and listen. When you OD on Lortab (better known as Loritabs) or get pregnant while on Amoxicillin I'll be the one giving you a nice smile-n-wave next time you're in the drugstore.
Maybe you can name the baby after me.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Are we speaking the same language?
I wonder this often during my workday. The biggest problem being I don't work in a non-English speaking area (kinda). The people in my 'hood speak "English," but the words are severely misplaced. It's sort of like communicating with a schizophrenic on acid. I've never done this per say, but I can imagine it's similar to my everyday struggles.
Case in point: A cute lady comes to the counter. When I say "cute" I mean morbidly obese with a noticeable five o'clock shadow. Yes, I'm being ironic; no, I'm not a chubby, bearded lady chaser. She comes up to me with an empty rx vial (concealed in her fat little hoof) and spews: "Could this be making me feel like I am?" She was quite nervous and agitated. Where to begin?
My mind said:
What the..? Why is your beard thicker than mine? How many calories does it take to be thaaat fat?(she was a 4X4 - 4 feet high, 4 feet wide) What are you holding? What the...? How did you escape from the carnival? God she's hideous, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...
But my response was: "What?"
Fat Lady w/ Beard: "I've been having jags of fits lately.!..!!"
Me (in head): What the fuck is a jag of a fit?!?
Me: "Okkaaay...."
FLw/B: "Could it be this?" (speaking of nothing in particular)
Me (in head): What the fuck is a jag.......
Me: "What? ..... What are you pertaining (word to big) to?
FLw/B: "Huh?"
Me (in head): Fuck me, where do they keep finding them and why do they keep coming to me?
FLw/B: "Could it be this....?"
This went on for about 10 minutes. She finally revealed her vial and was asking if her BP med was making her crazy. Life had already done it's fair share I'm afraid. After much deliberation, I assured her that her BP med was not the culprit and gave her some suggestions which she appeared to ignore. She came back the next day with scripts for anxiety. I couldn't believe she actually sought the help I advised! What's the moral of the story, you ask? I have no idea and I still don't know what a "jag of a fit" is. I doubt I ever will - neigh, I don't want to know. Just another day in pharmacy paradise.
Case in point: A cute lady comes to the counter. When I say "cute" I mean morbidly obese with a noticeable five o'clock shadow. Yes, I'm being ironic; no, I'm not a chubby, bearded lady chaser. She comes up to me with an empty rx vial (concealed in her fat little hoof) and spews: "Could this be making me feel like I am?" She was quite nervous and agitated. Where to begin?
My mind said:
What the..? Why is your beard thicker than mine? How many calories does it take to be thaaat fat?(she was a 4X4 - 4 feet high, 4 feet wide) What are you holding? What the...? How did you escape from the carnival? God she's hideous, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...
But my response was: "What?"
Fat Lady w/ Beard: "I've been having jags of fits lately.!..!!"
Me (in head): What the fuck is a jag of a fit?!?
Me: "Okkaaay...."
FLw/B: "Could it be this?" (speaking of nothing in particular)
Me (in head): What the fuck is a jag.......
Me: "What? ..... What are you pertaining (word to big) to?
FLw/B: "Huh?"
Me (in head): Fuck me, where do they keep finding them and why do they keep coming to me?
FLw/B: "Could it be this....?"
This went on for about 10 minutes. She finally revealed her vial and was asking if her BP med was making her crazy. Life had already done it's fair share I'm afraid. After much deliberation, I assured her that her BP med was not the culprit and gave her some suggestions which she appeared to ignore. She came back the next day with scripts for anxiety. I couldn't believe she actually sought the help I advised! What's the moral of the story, you ask? I have no idea and I still don't know what a "jag of a fit" is. I doubt I ever will - neigh, I don't want to know. Just another day in pharmacy paradise.
Ask your doctor about......
I feel this pretty much sums up every douchebag commercial that is on TV today. Enough is enough....I'm talking to you Lipitor(TM), Veramyst(TM), and viiivvvaaaa Viagra(TM). Fuck off.
Love,
Phrustrated Pharmacist
Sunday, November 11, 2007
What's this game called? I WIN
I'm going to save my ADD/ADHD rant for another time, as I am exhausted, but I saw a nice article I need to post here.
IN YOUR FUCKING FACE ADHD BITCHES
This article will make more sense when I post my agonizing rant about the "disorder," but for now, it's really enough to send me into a calm slumber with the words "I told ya so" echoing in my brain. I love being right.
What? My favorite quote?
"I think that we exaggerated the beneficial impact of medication..." -- W. Pelham, University at Buffalo
IN YOUR FUCKING FACE ADHD BITCHES
This article will make more sense when I post my agonizing rant about the "disorder," but for now, it's really enough to send me into a calm slumber with the words "I told ya so" echoing in my brain. I love being right.
What? My favorite quote?
"I think that we exaggerated the beneficial impact of medication..." -- W. Pelham, University at Buffalo
No, I'm not joking
Although sometimes I wish I was. This story is straight out of the scary-but-true question files:
Friday, about 3pm: I receive a call from a male customer asking letting me know that he had lost(?) a sheet to his patient information leaflet for the prescription cream he had picked up the other day. Well, he explained, he was reading it and he had a question.
"Why does it say not to put cream in your nose or mouth?" Okay, buddy, I'll play your game. "Because topical medications are not to be absorbed internally, and putting the cream in those places would..." yadda yadda some brainy bullshit that I kept rambling off because I was not prepared to answer a question pertaining to eating a topical prescription cream. So I ask the man if he had gotten some in his nose/mouth (what? why else would he ask?) and he replies "oh no, no, no I'm using it on my groin......." And I'll pause here for the moment of silence before the riptide comes and sends my body and brain flying in all directions.
"But I got some cream in the tip of my penis and now it's burning."
There. There it is, folks. The tone had been set for the long weekend I was going to have.
I know the cream is an antifungal, but for the love of everything holy how the FUCK did it get IN your penis?!? What in god's name were you doing slathering that shit on the head of your penis in the first place?? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF FUNGUS...?!
and that's where my brain went on strike and said "I've had enough of this shit for one day" and turned itself off until I went home that night.
The rest of the weekend, while being infused with the usual smattering of idiots (most of whom are now in the "donut hole" and extremely lost and belligerent) pales in comparison to that gem.
Friday, about 3pm: I receive a call from a male customer asking letting me know that he had lost(?) a sheet to his patient information leaflet for the prescription cream he had picked up the other day. Well, he explained, he was reading it and he had a question.
"Why does it say not to put cream in your nose or mouth?" Okay, buddy, I'll play your game. "Because topical medications are not to be absorbed internally, and putting the cream in those places would..." yadda yadda some brainy bullshit that I kept rambling off because I was not prepared to answer a question pertaining to eating a topical prescription cream. So I ask the man if he had gotten some in his nose/mouth (what? why else would he ask?) and he replies "oh no, no, no I'm using it on my groin......." And I'll pause here for the moment of silence before the riptide comes and sends my body and brain flying in all directions.
"But I got some cream in the tip of my penis and now it's burning."
There. There it is, folks. The tone had been set for the long weekend I was going to have.
I know the cream is an antifungal, but for the love of everything holy how the FUCK did it get IN your penis?!? What in god's name were you doing slathering that shit on the head of your penis in the first place?? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF FUNGUS...?!
and that's where my brain went on strike and said "I've had enough of this shit for one day" and turned itself off until I went home that night.
The rest of the weekend, while being infused with the usual smattering of idiots (most of whom are now in the "donut hole" and extremely lost and belligerent) pales in comparison to that gem.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Stick with the habit, it's probably cheaper
So, unlike my fearless pharmacy friend Phrusterated (hot hot alliteration points) the crappiest part of my day was at approximately 8:55pm. A man comes jogging into my pharmacy with a kid in tow (whom he tells to go "SIT DOWN!") and says to me: "ohthankgodyou'restillopenireallyneedaprescripiton!" uhh...what. Since he is at the pick-up window, under the giant sign that says "PICK-UP" I ask what his name is, and he replies "ohnononoihavethisscripti'mdroppingoffineedrightnow...." so gritting my teeth i usher him over to my drop-off window and he shoves a script in my face and demands that we fill this now and my other pharmacy had a problem with it because its 4, er, I mean 3 days early that's okay I can still get it right? Oh silly, silly man.
First, as if the rotting teeth and the cracked-out speech impediment wasn't enough, the script for Suboxone was really just the icing on the cake. My friend Phrusterated doesn't even carry this, whereas I dispense probably a good 100 on any given week.
If you're wondering whether I filled it, the answer is, of course, NO. Your other pharmacy wouldn't fill it for you because of aforementioned early-ness, why the fuck would I? I know, the law states blahdy blahdy blahdy blah go fuck yourself. Our policy is to the day, or 1 day early if we really like you. I don't know why the guy even told me it was early, because I would have most likely filled it, seeing as it would have been cash and I would have had no idea that he was getting this from somewhere else.
So I write on the prescription "4 days early 11/06/07" while he's screaming "DON'TWRITEONTHATI'LLSUEYOUWHYAREYOUPEOPLESOGODDAMNUPTIGHTJESUS" and send him on his merry way with his 4-year-old child. Just the kind of story to make you warm and fuzzy inside. Poor kid, god help him.
First, as if the rotting teeth and the cracked-out speech impediment wasn't enough, the script for Suboxone was really just the icing on the cake. My friend Phrusterated doesn't even carry this, whereas I dispense probably a good 100 on any given week.
If you're wondering whether I filled it, the answer is, of course, NO. Your other pharmacy wouldn't fill it for you because of aforementioned early-ness, why the fuck would I? I know, the law states blahdy blahdy blahdy blah go fuck yourself. Our policy is to the day, or 1 day early if we really like you. I don't know why the guy even told me it was early, because I would have most likely filled it, seeing as it would have been cash and I would have had no idea that he was getting this from somewhere else.
So I write on the prescription "4 days early 11/06/07" while he's screaming "DON'TWRITEONTHATI'LLSUEYOUWHYAREYOUPEOPLESOGODDAMNUPTIGHTJESUS" and send him on his merry way with his 4-year-old child. Just the kind of story to make you warm and fuzzy inside. Poor kid, god help him.
Do I look like I care?
What the hell is wrong with people? I wasn't even open today and this old VA guy somehow gets in the building and creeps to my consultation window. He proceeds to ask me how "the AAA" can save him money. What the fuck? Almost said it, but bit my tongue. Look, I don't mean to be insensitive, but it's 8:55 and I have no coffee in me. This is how I know my day is going to be a piece of shit. Oh, he didn't just want to know the ins and outs of "the AAA" (he kept saying THE AAA, OK I fucking get it), but rather how much he'd save. Are you fo' real yo? The whole day was just one should-be-wearing-a-helmet person after the other with inane questions and chatter. Go the fuck away. Seriously. There is no break in the conversation (read: retard pestering me without taking breaths - how do they do that?) to break away. How come every time I WANT the phone to ring it's silent? I would've taken a tard trade-off - that is a phone tard for the live tard.
I liken these folks (and I'm being generous) to the time I first tried to set up a Japanese beetle trap. In this case, I was the helmet wearer. Ever do this? If you have an infestation of the jbs, it's really disconcerting. Sit on your deck? No, buzz, buzz, buzz, ow! - you little fuck...I went to the hardware store, plunked down my 4 bucks and had my repellent. This is a very rudimentary system at best. After setting up the bag thingee I read: open the "bait" and insert in slot A-B, or some shit. Well, needless to say, don't open the bait 15 feet from the infested tree; this stuff really works. I am now swimming in jbs trying not to die. How does this apply, you ask?
Well, I, the pharmacist am the "bait" and the people are the jbs. Once I open, they swarm and inundate me with stupidity, much like the jbs trying to fuck the wax bait or whatever they do to it. I like my job and all, but some days there's just no time to do what's necessary to survive. So, if you have a stupid question: remember that there are no stupid questions; just stupid people who ask questions. I will look at you like you are indeed a differential equation and you will wonder what a diffy q is - nobody's a winner. Here's a few things I don't know:
I liken these folks (and I'm being generous) to the time I first tried to set up a Japanese beetle trap. In this case, I was the helmet wearer. Ever do this? If you have an infestation of the jbs, it's really disconcerting. Sit on your deck? No, buzz, buzz, buzz, ow! - you little fuck...I went to the hardware store, plunked down my 4 bucks and had my repellent. This is a very rudimentary system at best. After setting up the bag thingee I read: open the "bait" and insert in slot A-B, or some shit. Well, needless to say, don't open the bait 15 feet from the infested tree; this stuff really works. I am now swimming in jbs trying not to die. How does this apply, you ask?
Well, I, the pharmacist am the "bait" and the people are the jbs. Once I open, they swarm and inundate me with stupidity, much like the jbs trying to fuck the wax bait or whatever they do to it. I like my job and all, but some days there's just no time to do what's necessary to survive. So, if you have a stupid question: remember that there are no stupid questions; just stupid people who ask questions. I will look at you like you are indeed a differential equation and you will wonder what a diffy q is - nobody's a winner. Here's a few things I don't know:
- How that "Medicare drug thing works"
- The reimbursement/donut hole cutoff for your plan you don't have yet
- How long it will take you to reach that donut thingy (on the plan you're thinking of getting)
- What you take or if "they" cover 90 days worth
- If "they're" formulary (my words not yours) covers your shit
- Why your doctor wants "genetics" for you (because you lack basic human ones prolly)
- If the "geneteric" is as good as the brand
- If the "genteric brand" (WTF?) is as good as the generic (actual question)
- Why medicare "has it out for you"
- Why you can't just walk 30 minutes a day and leave me to my devices
Hope this clears up the confusion. I'm not your mom, don't ask me questions that semi-responsible adults should be able to answer. If you can't, then call the proper people - leave me alone (I have drug shit to do - remember?).
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Let's talk about sex ba-by, let's talk about pharm-a-cy
Damn you Salt 'n' Pepa for making sex a liberating topic of discussion. Because of this 1987 'jam,' people now come to pharmacies for sexual aids. Not just any people, mind you, but the great unwashed. Perhaps Christina Aguilera's "Diiiiiirty" (or something retarded like that) inspired these dirtbags to venture down to the ol' pharmacy to pick up some condoms and lube. Grrreaaat.
True story (it has to be): A man approaches the "consultation" area of the pharmacy a little standoffishly. He is holding no products, so I assume he's got a routine question - where's the Claritin, do you carry distilled water (why do so many people need that shit?), do you carry stiptic pencils, etc. Nope, I couldn't be so lucky. The man utters "what's the best lube for anal?" Now, the first thing I think of when I hear 'anal' is "that's where poopy comes from." I find it to be a disgusting act personally, but hey, to each his own. Far be it from me to stop a loving couple from hittin' ye ole Hershey highway (shudder). What the man says next will haunt me for the rest of my life: "Should HE always wear a condom?" My mind started shouting "I need an adult, I need an adult," but that adult was me. My response was "a....ah....uh...yes, yes, of course, every time." "What if we're" "Yes!" I interrupted, not wanting any more details. He kept asking me which was best so I finally relented and told him they're all about the same, but don't use any of the heating ones (ya know the massage ones that get stolen). How I said this with a straight face is beyond me, but he deserved that answer. I know I'm supposed to be professional in all sitches, but c'mon - you don't ambush someone like that. At the very least he should have said something like "My extremely gay partner and I like to be ass pirates" which would at least put me in a frame of mind to help. Not this guy. I just hope I don't end up a throw pillow on his couch someday.
The next sex tale is less stomach churning. A late teens to early 20's girl and her friend come to the aforementioned window with a gaggle of condoms. My young female technician went to help them, but upon seeing the plethora of prophylactics promptly said "it's fer you..." I had no idea the young ladies had our family planning rack in the consultation window, so when I went over I was a bit taken back. "Big night planned?" I quipped. She laughed and said "No, not exactly." "How can I help?" I questioned gingerly. "Well, my boyfriend says these don't fit him," she said pointing to a box of 'magnum' condoms. "Congratulations!" I said sarcastically. She once again chuckled and asked what to do. What do I say in this situation? For all intents and purposes, these things could fit a horse's cock, let alone what this guy was claiming to be packing. "Are you sure they don't fit?" I asked. She said "Well, he says it 'cuts off his circulation' when he wears it." This guy is good. Not only has he almost convinced this dimwit to ride bareback, he's also convinced her his penis is big enough to fit in a hot air balloon. She left the counter as I had no real advice for her. I didn't want the boyfriend to come back and beat me with is freakishly large penis (yeah, whatever) for calling him a liar. Some problems don't involve a pharmacist's help - I'd say this constitutes as one of those scenarios. Just blow him or something and leave me alone. At least she left all the condoms there.
Lastly, we carry a product called "Mandelay." You do the math. Luckily, I've had no questions on the product, but even the dumbest of premature ejaculators can figure this one out. Mandelay. It gets more funny every time I see it or hear it.
Thank God we don't carry dildos. I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
True story (it has to be): A man approaches the "consultation" area of the pharmacy a little standoffishly. He is holding no products, so I assume he's got a routine question - where's the Claritin, do you carry distilled water (why do so many people need that shit?), do you carry stiptic pencils, etc. Nope, I couldn't be so lucky. The man utters "what's the best lube for anal?" Now, the first thing I think of when I hear 'anal' is "that's where poopy comes from." I find it to be a disgusting act personally, but hey, to each his own. Far be it from me to stop a loving couple from hittin' ye ole Hershey highway (shudder). What the man says next will haunt me for the rest of my life: "Should HE always wear a condom?" My mind started shouting "I need an adult, I need an adult," but that adult was me. My response was "a....ah....uh...yes, yes, of course, every time." "What if we're" "Yes!" I interrupted, not wanting any more details. He kept asking me which was best so I finally relented and told him they're all about the same, but don't use any of the heating ones (ya know the massage ones that get stolen). How I said this with a straight face is beyond me, but he deserved that answer. I know I'm supposed to be professional in all sitches, but c'mon - you don't ambush someone like that. At the very least he should have said something like "My extremely gay partner and I like to be ass pirates" which would at least put me in a frame of mind to help. Not this guy. I just hope I don't end up a throw pillow on his couch someday.
The next sex tale is less stomach churning. A late teens to early 20's girl and her friend come to the aforementioned window with a gaggle of condoms. My young female technician went to help them, but upon seeing the plethora of prophylactics promptly said "it's fer you..." I had no idea the young ladies had our family planning rack in the consultation window, so when I went over I was a bit taken back. "Big night planned?" I quipped. She laughed and said "No, not exactly." "How can I help?" I questioned gingerly. "Well, my boyfriend says these don't fit him," she said pointing to a box of 'magnum' condoms. "Congratulations!" I said sarcastically. She once again chuckled and asked what to do. What do I say in this situation? For all intents and purposes, these things could fit a horse's cock, let alone what this guy was claiming to be packing. "Are you sure they don't fit?" I asked. She said "Well, he says it 'cuts off his circulation' when he wears it." This guy is good. Not only has he almost convinced this dimwit to ride bareback, he's also convinced her his penis is big enough to fit in a hot air balloon. She left the counter as I had no real advice for her. I didn't want the boyfriend to come back and beat me with is freakishly large penis (yeah, whatever) for calling him a liar. Some problems don't involve a pharmacist's help - I'd say this constitutes as one of those scenarios. Just blow him or something and leave me alone. At least she left all the condoms there.
Lastly, we carry a product called "Mandelay." You do the math. Luckily, I've had no questions on the product, but even the dumbest of premature ejaculators can figure this one out. Mandelay. It gets more funny every time I see it or hear it.
Thank God we don't carry dildos. I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
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