Old Nurses: You're on Notice

Why is it that every bitchy, lazy, and condescending nurse is named Barb, Kathy, Pat(ty), Sue or Debbie? Well, if one goes to the Social Security website and fiddles with the decades ( http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/decades/names1950s.html ), you'll find your answer. Yes sirs, the old, crotchety nurses were born in the '50s. "Why is this important?," you may ask yourself. Phrustrated is such a douche. Yes, this may be, but I'm not nearly as douchetastic as the old guard. I genuinely despise this gaggle of former (or current) chain smokers with their smoker voices. They collectively sound like that creepy aunt who's always trying to kiss you.

Anyway, back to topic. This is important because I had a run-in today (and a few weeks ago). Yes, Barb the "nurse," I'm talking to you - so listen the fuck up. I'm only gonna say this once, so listen the fuck up, and listen the fuck up - but good. Here it goes: I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING JOB TO DO WARDING OFF THE DREGS WITHOUT DOING YOUR JOB TOO (YOU FUCKING WHORE). Okay, I don't know she's a whore. That's just the phrustration. She is, however, a grade A lazy douchebag. Here's a synopsis of the convo:

Me (after saying: who's on hold now? Oh, a doctor's office - again?....How long....Ohhh this oughta be good): Hi, sorry for the wait, how can I help y..

Barb (interrupting rudely): HOW LONG WERE YOU GONNA LEAVE ME HOLDING?

Me: Uhhh, I'm not sure what answer you're looking for..it's the day after the holiday, so I'm on quite a few calls today...sorry - I'm only one person.

Barb: Oh, fine...whatever. Look, what's covered?!?

Me: Uhhhhh, that's a bit vague, what are you pertaining to?

Barb: EYEDROPS!! (cough, clear throat of phlegm)

Me: Any particular ones, or just in general or any insurance, or wha...

Barb (interrupting): XALATAN, ON MEDICAID! UGH!

Me: How was I supposed to know what you meant simply by your tone?

Sidebar - all of Barb's lines will be capitalized. She was yelling and/or sighing the whole conversation - I was calm as a Hindu cow (as per usual)

Barb: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT - I NEED YOU TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S COVERED!

Me: Well, I don't have time right now. I cou..

Barb (Yes, interrupting - sensing a theme...) WHADDYA MEAN?!?...THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS DO. I CALL AND YOUS FIGURE IT OUT...I DON'T HAVE THE TIME!

Me: What makes you think I have the time and money to waste time do your work? Isn't that a bit presumptuous?

Barb: NO! THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS DO...WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

Me: Well, it's the day after Memorial Day, and everyone and their brother has decided to NOW bring me their scripts and wait to have them filled. Since they are paying customers, they have first dibs. I would gladly give you the phone number to Medicaid's prior auth line and...

Barb: I'M NOT DOING A PRIOR AUTH, UGAHHH, GOD

Me: Now, there's no need for that.

Barb: NO NEED FOR WHAT?!? I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO GIVE..WE GIVE SAMPLES, THEN THEY GIVE YOU THE SCRIPT AND, AND I DON'T KNOW....

Me: Yes, that is the normal cascade of events. As I was saying, I'll give you the number and you may speak with someone at Medicaid to tell you definitely what is and is not covered in that class. Then you may fax/phone/write/e-scribe/smoke signal the rx to me. I'm sorry, but that's all I can provide you at this time.

Barb: UGGGHHHHH...click.

Me: Fuck you too you fat fuck mouth-breather (she had hung up, but it still felt good)

Now, as frustrating as this was, there's more to the story. I know this is a long post, but hang in there. As it turns out, this office sucks at giving out eyedrops. Funny, since they are eye doctors. Don't you need a degree or some shit? Anyways, Barb and her legion of doom staff couldn't tell me if 'John Doe' was allergic to sulfa or if the doctor had a problem giving Azopt with that possible sulfa allergy. It took me three days and nine phone calls and countless hour(s) on hold to try to square this away. The patient is clueless and speaks phrases such as "I am eye drup" so no luck there. Finally I got to speak to Barb, who was dismissive and condescending - and never called me back. Well, I stored that in the "fuck you" sector of my memory. So, when I heard "this is Barb from Dr. Eyedrop's office" I went to the fuck you sector and pulled out a big ol' can of fuck you. I love it when a plan comes together.

So, what is all this rambling? Fuck you Barb, that's what. You're officially on notice and will get no favors from me - EVER. Funny thing is, I'm one of the most resourceful, helpful and respectful pharmacists you'll ever deal with. I have countless nurses that enjoy calling me and we will do favors for each other. You see, Barb, that's how it do. Like Patrick Swayze said in Roadhouse: "Be nice" That's all for now, I've got phones to answer.