Stupid is as stupid does

Forrest Gump made this saying famous, but I'm forced to live it every work day. Here's some low lights from today's "action:"

The day starts off with a bang. I am forced to speak with a man wearing a toupee (hardly noticeable) whom asks me how big the glucosamine tablets are inside of the opaque bottle he's holding. How the fuck am I to know how big they are? I couldn't stop staring at his bird's nest perched atop is melon - I mean this thing was terrible. It was "slightly" askew, making it look somehow more ridiculous. I took pity on the disillusioned man. I made a gesture with my hand (no, not that) showing him my best guess as to the size of the tablets. He mumbled something about not being able to swallow and traipsed off. Whatever.

The stupidity flood gates then opened and a deluge ensued. I man inquiring about a cure for ringing in the ears was the next batter. I told him there was/is no known cause or cure for ringing in the ears (unless there was an aspirin overdose - no such luck). He then tells me I'm wrong because he saw this product on "the TV" stating it "cured" ringing ears. I told him if it was on "the TV" I must be mistaken and he should try said product. As P.T. Barnum once said, "It's morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money."

A non-English speaking medical resident then calls for a person's entire med profile (get fucked). I inform her (cordially) that I was quite busy and would call her back in about 5 minutes. I guess this was not good enough. Her attending doctor calls back in 30 seconds and wants to know if the same patient is using some cream. I told him I just told doctor-no-speak-a-da-English I was going to call back. He said he knew nothing of the sort. I then informed him his resident should work on her communication skills (or lack thereof). At least he laughed.

I got a fax from the "fax police." You know when you get those solicitations via fax? Well, the "fax police" will fuck them up but good. Just fax the unwanted solicitations to them and they will "take care of 'em." What in God's name......I couldn't stand the irony. The "fax police." This is one of the funniest things ever - but I wanted to beat them with my fax machine.

I call a doctor's office (all fucking day) and get immediately placed on hold. Standard protocol, right? It seemed so until the radio hold music was "playing today's best country." The twat nurse couldn't come back to the phone fast enough. I have a few things in life that make me want to end mine - country music is one of these things. I have to then listen to some retard country "star" for 4 minutes. Not only were these the longest 4 minutes of my life, but 4 minutes I will never get back and never forget. Shoot me now.

Wait, it gets better. By better, I of course mean worse. I'm counselling a wife on her hubby's cholesterol med dose increase, telling her vital info. I get about 3/4 of the way through and she mouths "I'm a nurse." Not only was she a nurse, but a fat one at that. Not only was she a fat nurse, but she was sedentary in my drive-thru. Why let me go on for about a minute? I was telling her things I know she had no clue about. I think she was embarrassed and didn't want me to continue. I walked away without so much as a "goodbye" or "you take care now." Man, fuck that bitch and her "nursing" degree (probably a LPN). Double whatever.

Two seconds later a voice cries out "you should have a bell!" Oh no she di'in't, yo. I replied "No, we shouldn't have one, because we'd probably throw it (at you)." "Were you waiting long?," I queried. "No, not that long," uttered the fool. "Well, we're trying the best we can and we appreciate your patience," I stated quite sarcastically. Fuck you lady, I win.

Lastly, I called a doctor's office (which is eternally busy). I got sick of the busy signal and figured out their private number (I know - pretty cool). A twat nurse answers at first politely, but after telling her "Hi this is phrustrated pharmacist from blah blah pharmacy," her tone soured completely. She seemed to be speaking in a "how the fuck did YOU get this number" tone of voice. I realize I'm doomed but trudge on. I was calling for a patient (proactively, mind you) whom had a brand-name drug authorized yesterday for only half a month - but the same 20$ copay. I knew damn well she would be barking, so I attempt to rectify the sitch. I ask verrrry politely for them to authorize a whole month so she gets the most for her hard-earned money. Nope. The super twatty nurse says: "No. Dr. Mcbuttfuck is very adamant the people only get enough until they make an appointment. They always miss their appointments when we do that." My tea kettle was now whistling - there's only so much a man can take. I laid into her. "There is no reason to scold me, I'm only looking out for everyone's best interests," I said stingingly. "Speaking to me like a fourth grader doesn't accomplish anything," I added. Twatty McTwatterson immediately got defensive and said it was the doctor's policy, not hers. What the fuck ever. I told her that I would have the patient speak with Dr. McButtfuck if she had a problem with the sitch and hung up. Can you help a brother out?

Well, that's all I wrote down, just another day in the life for the ol' PP. Until next time.