I thought money was the root of all evil....

I was once again sorrily mistaken. As it turns out, Lortab (Vicodin, Norco, Lorcet, Hydrocodone/APAP, which ever you prefer) is actually the real devil's semen. Sorry I've been lax on my postings, I know my readers (both of ya) are like: "where's the PP?" Well, I'm still here and here I go. As Cal said in "The Forty Year Old Virgin," "I had a weekend." Mine was not one of bestiality sex shows, but one of Lortab mania. Why is this magic bean such a driving force in America today? Hydrocodone/APAP is the #1 prescribed drug in America and is undoubtedly (although there is no data to track it) the most abused drug in America. Move over nicotine, marijuana and ecstasy. Sorry crack, you had your time in the sun. Lortab is the shit now. Let's recant on my weekend, shall we:

Saturday, October 27, 2007: A ragged wench in a beat up sweatshirt presents me with a prescription for...... ..... .... ...yes, Lortab (7.5 of course). She states she's dropping it off for her "daughter" who has no insurance (red flag) and is not in our computer (crimson flag). Thankfully, she's got to go grocery shopping while I fill her prescription. Well, I start to fill said prescription when I stumble upon the directions: Sig: 1 Q H PRN. For those who aren't pharmacists, fluent Latin speakers or drug addicts, this means "Take one tablet every hour as needed. Needless to say, by hour 4 or 5 her liver would resemble something that looks like chum. I then (diligently) phone the dentist (ahem) to confirm the prescription. Her reply is "I never write for Lortab." Did I mention that the dentist was at a convention on the day the prescription was written? The dentist was dumbfounded. "I don't know what to do, I feel so, so, so.....violated." "Uh, I'll call the police," with a what-the-fuck-are-you-retarded flint in my voice. "Oh, yeah.....that's a good idea,"(no shit) blundered the dentist (more on her in a skoch). I call the police and then they send a squad car or seven to our parking lot. The aforementioned scumdouche comes back in the drive-thru (fucking thing) and my tech alerts me. I call the dispatch and they tell me they're on it. They were not lying to me folks. I waltzed over to stall her and there was a cop in front of her car yelling "TURN OFF THE CAR MA'AM!" This was the only time the drive-thru seemed useful to me. It turned into a giant screen real life episode of COPS. Thankfully, she did have her shirt on. So I watched as they "questioned" her and then slapped on the cuffs and dragged her sorry ass to the clink. Have fun tossing salads and/or finger-banging Bubbette, you greedy addict bitch. It turns out the statutes have changed, and prescription forgery is now a class D felony (7-10 years in the hole). I hope the attempt at 30 Lortab was worth it - I hear those orange jumpsuits give one crotchrot. What's the moral of the story? Don't shit where I eat or I will throw it back at you and hit you in the mouth with it at such a great velocity that you end up in the hoosegow for 7-10 years. I wonder if Lortab (Lor-a-tab) has replaced cigarettes as currency in prison - whoops, she doesn't have any (haha).

As for the dentist, I wouldn't let this special Olympian (no offense) wipe my ass let alone drill holes in my teeth. There should be some sort of common sense evaluation process for professionals whom deal with drilling holes in things. She told me she kept her (waiting to be stolen) script pads layin' around - might wanna cut back on that, I have important drug shit to take care of without having to let you outside to piss. Fuck Lortab and fuck dentists - they're both overrated.