I was once again sorrily mistaken. As it turns out, Lortab (Vicodin, Norco, Lorcet, Hydrocodone/APAP, which ever you prefer) is actually the real devil's semen. Sorry I've been lax on my postings, I know my readers (both of ya) are like: "where's the PP?" Well, I'm still here and here I go. As Cal said in "The Forty Year Old Virgin," "I had a weekend." Mine was not one of bestiality sex shows, but one of Lortab mania. Why is this magic bean such a driving force in America today? Hydrocodone/APAP is the #1 prescribed drug in America and is undoubtedly (although there is no data to track it) the most abused drug in America. Move over nicotine, marijuana and ecstasy. Sorry crack, you had your time in the sun. Lortab is the shit now. Let's recant on my weekend, shall we:
Saturday, October 27, 2007: A ragged wench in a beat up sweatshirt presents me with a prescription for...... ..... .... ...yes, Lortab (7.5 of course). She states she's dropping it off for her "daughter" who has no insurance (red flag) and is not in our computer (crimson flag). Thankfully, she's got to go grocery shopping while I fill her prescription. Well, I start to fill said prescription when I stumble upon the directions: Sig: 1 Q H PRN. For those who aren't pharmacists, fluent Latin speakers or drug addicts, this means "Take one tablet every hour as needed. Needless to say, by hour 4 or 5 her liver would resemble something that looks like chum. I then (diligently) phone the dentist (ahem) to confirm the prescription. Her reply is "I never write for Lortab." Did I mention that the dentist was at a convention on the day the prescription was written? The dentist was dumbfounded. "I don't know what to do, I feel so, so, so.....violated." "Uh, I'll call the police," with a what-the-fuck-are-you-retarded flint in my voice. "Oh, yeah.....that's a good idea,"(no shit) blundered the dentist (more on her in a skoch). I call the police and then they send a squad car or seven to our parking lot. The aforementioned scumdouche comes back in the drive-thru (fucking thing) and my tech alerts me. I call the dispatch and they tell me they're on it. They were not lying to me folks. I waltzed over to stall her and there was a cop in front of her car yelling "TURN OFF THE CAR MA'AM!" This was the only time the drive-thru seemed useful to me. It turned into a giant screen real life episode of COPS. Thankfully, she did have her shirt on. So I watched as they "questioned" her and then slapped on the cuffs and dragged her sorry ass to the clink. Have fun tossing salads and/or finger-banging Bubbette, you greedy addict bitch. It turns out the statutes have changed, and prescription forgery is now a class D felony (7-10 years in the hole). I hope the attempt at 30 Lortab was worth it - I hear those orange jumpsuits give one crotchrot. What's the moral of the story? Don't shit where I eat or I will throw it back at you and hit you in the mouth with it at such a great velocity that you end up in the hoosegow for 7-10 years. I wonder if Lortab (Lor-a-tab) has replaced cigarettes as currency in prison - whoops, she doesn't have any (haha).
As for the dentist, I wouldn't let this special Olympian (no offense) wipe my ass let alone drill holes in my teeth. There should be some sort of common sense evaluation process for professionals whom deal with drilling holes in things. She told me she kept her (waiting to be stolen) script pads layin' around - might wanna cut back on that, I have important drug shit to take care of without having to let you outside to piss. Fuck Lortab and fuck dentists - they're both overrated.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Rite Aid: Sundries, Hay and Feed and Other Stories
Before I go into the complete and utter stupidity that was this weekend, I'd like to say a few things about grocery shopping at a drugstore.
First, I believe the local drugstore should be used solely for just picking up random items like "oh, I need some bandaids" or "i need a new lipliner." Why we even have carts is beyond me. Never, ever in my life, have I even THOUGHT about getting up on a Sunday morning, going to Rite Aid/Walgreens/CVS, grabbing a cart and going shopping for the week. And for some odd reason, if they also have a prescription to pick up, they wait 'til they have a cart-full of useless shit and wander over to my counter and do one of 3 annoying things: A)go to the pick up, put all the shit on my counter and THEN say "oh its okay that I ring this up here right?" or B)go up to the DROPOFF counter with NO REGISTER and put all your shit on my counter and ask to be rung up or C) ask me to ring you up for said useless shit when you are not picking up a prescription.
Go away.
I had a woman come up to me Saturday and flash me a new AARP medicare card and say: "Can you tell me what my insurance entails?" In the now-famous phrase often employed by my fellow angry sidekick Phrustered..."uh,...what?"
Apparently this woman had received a phone call/letter/death threat telling her that she should sign up for AARP medicare D. So, instead of further inquiring about the plan to AARP/coming to our store and picking up a handy dandy medicare D "guide to open enrollment" packet she signs up for this AARP medicare and DROPS HER UNIVERA COVERAGE WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT THE AARP PLAN. And then comes into her friendly pharmacy and is appalled that WE don't know anything about HER plan, and that blindly signing up for insurance and dropping your current coverage is not only a bad decision, it means you're fucking retarded.
Then Saturday night about, oh, 7:55pm a woman comes in and says her mother was just discharged from the hospital and the doctor had faxed over some prescriptions. Um, no. Her primary had faxed over 2 the previous day...only 2 of what should have been half a dozen new discharge meds. I explained this. The ones we had were lasix and Vitron-C. And then for the next 5 minutes she proceeded to ask such questions as "and there's no plavix?" no, just the lasix and the vitron. "and there's no coreg?" no, just the lasix and the vitron. "well what about the protonix?" no, just the lasix and the vitron. "are you sure?" at this point what I SHOULD have done was fly over the counter and beat her with my shoe. But I didn't. There's always next time.
Today I had a man tell me that he invented the Take-A-Penny-Leave-A-Penny tray. It was during his stint in California (you know, when it wasn't burning) and the local feed-bag joint had a pancake breakfast for $2.03. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I had a woman call Actonel "carboninate." not even "actonel carboninate" or anything like that. I wonder where people learn such big words.
Those are all the fun tales I can think of at the moment. What a long two days.
First, I believe the local drugstore should be used solely for just picking up random items like "oh, I need some bandaids" or "i need a new lipliner." Why we even have carts is beyond me. Never, ever in my life, have I even THOUGHT about getting up on a Sunday morning, going to Rite Aid/Walgreens/CVS, grabbing a cart and going shopping for the week. And for some odd reason, if they also have a prescription to pick up, they wait 'til they have a cart-full of useless shit and wander over to my counter and do one of 3 annoying things: A)go to the pick up, put all the shit on my counter and THEN say "oh its okay that I ring this up here right?" or B)go up to the DROPOFF counter with NO REGISTER and put all your shit on my counter and ask to be rung up or C) ask me to ring you up for said useless shit when you are not picking up a prescription.
Go away.
I had a woman come up to me Saturday and flash me a new AARP medicare card and say: "Can you tell me what my insurance entails?" In the now-famous phrase often employed by my fellow angry sidekick Phrustered..."uh,...what?"
Apparently this woman had received a phone call/letter/death threat telling her that she should sign up for AARP medicare D. So, instead of further inquiring about the plan to AARP/coming to our store and picking up a handy dandy medicare D "guide to open enrollment" packet she signs up for this AARP medicare and DROPS HER UNIVERA COVERAGE WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT THE AARP PLAN. And then comes into her friendly pharmacy and is appalled that WE don't know anything about HER plan, and that blindly signing up for insurance and dropping your current coverage is not only a bad decision, it means you're fucking retarded.
Then Saturday night about, oh, 7:55pm a woman comes in and says her mother was just discharged from the hospital and the doctor had faxed over some prescriptions. Um, no. Her primary had faxed over 2 the previous day...only 2 of what should have been half a dozen new discharge meds. I explained this. The ones we had were lasix and Vitron-C. And then for the next 5 minutes she proceeded to ask such questions as "and there's no plavix?" no, just the lasix and the vitron. "and there's no coreg?" no, just the lasix and the vitron. "well what about the protonix?" no, just the lasix and the vitron. "are you sure?" at this point what I SHOULD have done was fly over the counter and beat her with my shoe. But I didn't. There's always next time.
Today I had a man tell me that he invented the Take-A-Penny-Leave-A-Penny tray. It was during his stint in California (you know, when it wasn't burning) and the local feed-bag joint had a pancake breakfast for $2.03. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I had a woman call Actonel "carboninate." not even "actonel carboninate" or anything like that. I wonder where people learn such big words.
Those are all the fun tales I can think of at the moment. What a long two days.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Stupid is as stupid does
Forrest Gump made this saying famous, but I'm forced to live it every work day. Here's some low lights from today's "action:"
The day starts off with a bang. I am forced to speak with a man wearing a toupee (hardly noticeable) whom asks me how big the glucosamine tablets are inside of the opaque bottle he's holding. How the fuck am I to know how big they are? I couldn't stop staring at his bird's nest perched atop is melon - I mean this thing was terrible. It was "slightly" askew, making it look somehow more ridiculous. I took pity on the disillusioned man. I made a gesture with my hand (no, not that) showing him my best guess as to the size of the tablets. He mumbled something about not being able to swallow and traipsed off. Whatever.
The stupidity flood gates then opened and a deluge ensued. I man inquiring about a cure for ringing in the ears was the next batter. I told him there was/is no known cause or cure for ringing in the ears (unless there was an aspirin overdose - no such luck). He then tells me I'm wrong because he saw this product on "the TV" stating it "cured" ringing ears. I told him if it was on "the TV" I must be mistaken and he should try said product. As P.T. Barnum once said, "It's morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money."
A non-English speaking medical resident then calls for a person's entire med profile (get fucked). I inform her (cordially) that I was quite busy and would call her back in about 5 minutes. I guess this was not good enough. Her attending doctor calls back in 30 seconds and wants to know if the same patient is using some cream. I told him I just told doctor-no-speak-a-da-English I was going to call back. He said he knew nothing of the sort. I then informed him his resident should work on her communication skills (or lack thereof). At least he laughed.
I got a fax from the "fax police." You know when you get those solicitations via fax? Well, the "fax police" will fuck them up but good. Just fax the unwanted solicitations to them and they will "take care of 'em." What in God's name......I couldn't stand the irony. The "fax police." This is one of the funniest things ever - but I wanted to beat them with my fax machine.
I call a doctor's office (all fucking day) and get immediately placed on hold. Standard protocol, right? It seemed so until the radio hold music was "playing today's best country." The twat nurse couldn't come back to the phone fast enough. I have a few things in life that make me want to end mine - country music is one of these things. I have to then listen to some retard country "star" for 4 minutes. Not only were these the longest 4 minutes of my life, but 4 minutes I will never get back and never forget. Shoot me now.
Wait, it gets better. By better, I of course mean worse. I'm counselling a wife on her hubby's cholesterol med dose increase, telling her vital info. I get about 3/4 of the way through and she mouths "I'm a nurse." Not only was she a nurse, but a fat one at that. Not only was she a fat nurse, but she was sedentary in my drive-thru. Why let me go on for about a minute? I was telling her things I know she had no clue about. I think she was embarrassed and didn't want me to continue. I walked away without so much as a "goodbye" or "you take care now." Man, fuck that bitch and her "nursing" degree (probably a LPN). Double whatever.
Two seconds later a voice cries out "you should have a bell!" Oh no she di'in't, yo. I replied "No, we shouldn't have one, because we'd probably throw it (at you)." "Were you waiting long?," I queried. "No, not that long," uttered the fool. "Well, we're trying the best we can and we appreciate your patience," I stated quite sarcastically. Fuck you lady, I win.
Lastly, I called a doctor's office (which is eternally busy). I got sick of the busy signal and figured out their private number (I know - pretty cool). A twat nurse answers at first politely, but after telling her "Hi this is phrustrated pharmacist from blah blah pharmacy," her tone soured completely. She seemed to be speaking in a "how the fuck did YOU get this number" tone of voice. I realize I'm doomed but trudge on. I was calling for a patient (proactively, mind you) whom had a brand-name drug authorized yesterday for only half a month - but the same 20$ copay. I knew damn well she would be barking, so I attempt to rectify the sitch. I ask verrrry politely for them to authorize a whole month so she gets the most for her hard-earned money. Nope. The super twatty nurse says: "No. Dr. Mcbuttfuck is very adamant the people only get enough until they make an appointment. They always miss their appointments when we do that." My tea kettle was now whistling - there's only so much a man can take. I laid into her. "There is no reason to scold me, I'm only looking out for everyone's best interests," I said stingingly. "Speaking to me like a fourth grader doesn't accomplish anything," I added. Twatty McTwatterson immediately got defensive and said it was the doctor's policy, not hers. What the fuck ever. I told her that I would have the patient speak with Dr. McButtfuck if she had a problem with the sitch and hung up. Can you help a brother out?
Well, that's all I wrote down, just another day in the life for the ol' PP. Until next time.
The day starts off with a bang. I am forced to speak with a man wearing a toupee (hardly noticeable) whom asks me how big the glucosamine tablets are inside of the opaque bottle he's holding. How the fuck am I to know how big they are? I couldn't stop staring at his bird's nest perched atop is melon - I mean this thing was terrible. It was "slightly" askew, making it look somehow more ridiculous. I took pity on the disillusioned man. I made a gesture with my hand (no, not that) showing him my best guess as to the size of the tablets. He mumbled something about not being able to swallow and traipsed off. Whatever.
The stupidity flood gates then opened and a deluge ensued. I man inquiring about a cure for ringing in the ears was the next batter. I told him there was/is no known cause or cure for ringing in the ears (unless there was an aspirin overdose - no such luck). He then tells me I'm wrong because he saw this product on "the TV" stating it "cured" ringing ears. I told him if it was on "the TV" I must be mistaken and he should try said product. As P.T. Barnum once said, "It's morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money."
A non-English speaking medical resident then calls for a person's entire med profile (get fucked). I inform her (cordially) that I was quite busy and would call her back in about 5 minutes. I guess this was not good enough. Her attending doctor calls back in 30 seconds and wants to know if the same patient is using some cream. I told him I just told doctor-no-speak-a-da-English I was going to call back. He said he knew nothing of the sort. I then informed him his resident should work on her communication skills (or lack thereof). At least he laughed.
I got a fax from the "fax police." You know when you get those solicitations via fax? Well, the "fax police" will fuck them up but good. Just fax the unwanted solicitations to them and they will "take care of 'em." What in God's name......I couldn't stand the irony. The "fax police." This is one of the funniest things ever - but I wanted to beat them with my fax machine.
I call a doctor's office (all fucking day) and get immediately placed on hold. Standard protocol, right? It seemed so until the radio hold music was "playing today's best country." The twat nurse couldn't come back to the phone fast enough. I have a few things in life that make me want to end mine - country music is one of these things. I have to then listen to some retard country "star" for 4 minutes. Not only were these the longest 4 minutes of my life, but 4 minutes I will never get back and never forget. Shoot me now.
Wait, it gets better. By better, I of course mean worse. I'm counselling a wife on her hubby's cholesterol med dose increase, telling her vital info. I get about 3/4 of the way through and she mouths "I'm a nurse." Not only was she a nurse, but a fat one at that. Not only was she a fat nurse, but she was sedentary in my drive-thru. Why let me go on for about a minute? I was telling her things I know she had no clue about. I think she was embarrassed and didn't want me to continue. I walked away without so much as a "goodbye" or "you take care now." Man, fuck that bitch and her "nursing" degree (probably a LPN). Double whatever.
Two seconds later a voice cries out "you should have a bell!" Oh no she di'in't, yo. I replied "No, we shouldn't have one, because we'd probably throw it (at you)." "Were you waiting long?," I queried. "No, not that long," uttered the fool. "Well, we're trying the best we can and we appreciate your patience," I stated quite sarcastically. Fuck you lady, I win.
Lastly, I called a doctor's office (which is eternally busy). I got sick of the busy signal and figured out their private number (I know - pretty cool). A twat nurse answers at first politely, but after telling her "Hi this is phrustrated pharmacist from blah blah pharmacy," her tone soured completely. She seemed to be speaking in a "how the fuck did YOU get this number" tone of voice. I realize I'm doomed but trudge on. I was calling for a patient (proactively, mind you) whom had a brand-name drug authorized yesterday for only half a month - but the same 20$ copay. I knew damn well she would be barking, so I attempt to rectify the sitch. I ask verrrry politely for them to authorize a whole month so she gets the most for her hard-earned money. Nope. The super twatty nurse says: "No. Dr. Mcbuttfuck is very adamant the people only get enough until they make an appointment. They always miss their appointments when we do that." My tea kettle was now whistling - there's only so much a man can take. I laid into her. "There is no reason to scold me, I'm only looking out for everyone's best interests," I said stingingly. "Speaking to me like a fourth grader doesn't accomplish anything," I added. Twatty McTwatterson immediately got defensive and said it was the doctor's policy, not hers. What the fuck ever. I told her that I would have the patient speak with Dr. McButtfuck if she had a problem with the sitch and hung up. Can you help a brother out?
Well, that's all I wrote down, just another day in the life for the ol' PP. Until next time.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Why am I surrounded by twats?
Coming into today, I thought our flu shot clinic was going to be my early demise. Thankfully, I received a pleasant surprise. Nobody really bothered me; except the twat nurse running it. "We need chairs, we need another table, do you have a pen?" "Are you fucking serious," said my inner monologue. Who doesn't bring a pen? I'm glad she didn't ask me for extra flu vaccine. I wanted to strangle her with the latex tubing used to find veins on the customers.
Highlights:
The clinic started at 2 p.m. Old people must think we're in Maine or something because 2 p.m. became 1 p.m. "Are you giving the flu shots here young man?" I'm glad she didn't call me "sonny" or something more retarded. "No, the clinic is at 2 p.m., you're a tad bit early," I replied. "Okay, we'll wait in your chairs," mumbled the old shut-in. So this slack-jawed couple spent the next hour drooling and staring at my intern, making him very uncomfortable. "They're just staring at me like I'm gonna give them the shot," my intern squeamishly stated. I told him to just stare back. My manager, in infinite wisdom, set up the clinic right by my pick-up counter. The word cluster fuck comes close to the anarchy that ensued. There were fifty people (or so) crammed by my pick-up, some for flu shots, some for pick-up. We're still trying to sort out the bodies.
After the flu shot mania, I turned my attention to filling the plethora of scripts that avalanche me on a daily basis. While uncovering from the rubble, another twat made an appearance. Not just any twat, mind you, but a cocky medicaid twat in my drive-thru. Apparently, she called in her daughter's seizure medication this morning. As luck would have it she was "completely out" and we didn't have it in stock. I couldn't even find the request. Being the staunch citizen and professional that I am, I found it at another store located a mere 5-10 minutes away. Upon telling her that her daughter's medication would be obtainable tonight, I figured she would offer to come in the store and either kiss my feet or felate me. I was sadly mistaken. "What do you mean?," said the indigent twatilly. "I don't wanna go over there," squawked the bitch. I then explained to her that arguing with me would reduce the chances of her going to the store before closing. She then asks me when I would obtain the drug. I was dumbstruck. When I told her tomorrow afternoon, she informs me she'll just pick it up then. Oh fuck no, dude. I just wasted valuable time finding something you were too lazy to call in ahead of time so your demon spawn won't seize? Not on my watch (and dime not to mention). So I told her she best be steppin', and amazingly, she twatted over to the store that was "soooo faaar away." I won, yet I still had a twatty taste in my mouth. I hate that.
If you are offended by the word twat, don't be. It's just like calling a male a dick, but ladies don't have them, so we men had to come up with something.
Onward and upward.
Highlights:
The clinic started at 2 p.m. Old people must think we're in Maine or something because 2 p.m. became 1 p.m. "Are you giving the flu shots here young man?" I'm glad she didn't call me "sonny" or something more retarded. "No, the clinic is at 2 p.m., you're a tad bit early," I replied. "Okay, we'll wait in your chairs," mumbled the old shut-in. So this slack-jawed couple spent the next hour drooling and staring at my intern, making him very uncomfortable. "They're just staring at me like I'm gonna give them the shot," my intern squeamishly stated. I told him to just stare back. My manager, in infinite wisdom, set up the clinic right by my pick-up counter. The word cluster fuck comes close to the anarchy that ensued. There were fifty people (or so) crammed by my pick-up, some for flu shots, some for pick-up. We're still trying to sort out the bodies.
After the flu shot mania, I turned my attention to filling the plethora of scripts that avalanche me on a daily basis. While uncovering from the rubble, another twat made an appearance. Not just any twat, mind you, but a cocky medicaid twat in my drive-thru. Apparently, she called in her daughter's seizure medication this morning. As luck would have it she was "completely out" and we didn't have it in stock. I couldn't even find the request. Being the staunch citizen and professional that I am, I found it at another store located a mere 5-10 minutes away. Upon telling her that her daughter's medication would be obtainable tonight, I figured she would offer to come in the store and either kiss my feet or felate me. I was sadly mistaken. "What do you mean?," said the indigent twatilly. "I don't wanna go over there," squawked the bitch. I then explained to her that arguing with me would reduce the chances of her going to the store before closing. She then asks me when I would obtain the drug. I was dumbstruck. When I told her tomorrow afternoon, she informs me she'll just pick it up then. Oh fuck no, dude. I just wasted valuable time finding something you were too lazy to call in ahead of time so your demon spawn won't seize? Not on my watch (and dime not to mention). So I told her she best be steppin', and amazingly, she twatted over to the store that was "soooo faaar away." I won, yet I still had a twatty taste in my mouth. I hate that.
If you are offended by the word twat, don't be. It's just like calling a male a dick, but ladies don't have them, so we men had to come up with something.
Onward and upward.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Happy Halloween?
so, whilst browsing for a Halloween costume online tonight, I find this costume. yes, this is your pharmacist: Dr Anita Hardwon (clever). "Includes prescription pad, 2 prescription bottles, and latex gloves."
i wonder what they thought we use gloves for?
perhaps i should wear this to work on halloween. although i could just save the $60(!) and wear a white coat 2 sizes too small and throw a belt on with some 13-drams glued to it containing Rohypnol uh i mean Percocet uh wait....
i bet she's wearing open-toed shoes. for shame.
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