Uncle! An open letter to my phones.

You win, phone; you win. Your incessant ringing and lady who says "PHARMACY, YOU HAVE A CALL....BLAHHHHH (LOUD BEEPING NOISE, SOUNDS LIKE BLAHHHHHHH)" have me beaten. That's just the start.....then one must answer said phone. I've changed my greeting to make things stupefied for my stupids, but same result. Here's a few examples:

PP: This is phrustrated, how may I help you?

Now, this seems like it has it all, no? I state my name, speak in a calm, soothing tone of voice and ask politely how I may be of service. Nope. Here's the responses I get:

1. Yeah, uhhh, is this phrustrated? (No, I like to lie about my identity right from the get-go)
2. Yeah, uhhh, did my doctor call yous? (Whenever you hear "yous" - run. Run real fast)
3. Yeah, uhhh, is my subscription done? (Where to begin?)
4. Yeah, uhhh, my doctor was supposibly gonna call yous, did he? (There's that yous again)
5. Yeah, uhhh, is this the photo area? (Why do I answer, why?)
6. Yeah, uhhh, I have some numbers....(Congratulations - I will say it one day - I don't know
when, I don't know who - but it's comin' fucka)

You may notice the first greeting of my slack-jawed contingency is "yeah, uhhh." Why is it that people cannot form a coherent sentence/statement/question/thought without the "yeah, uhhh?" I don't get it. I went to elementary/middle school in a poor, retarded town. I escaped (I mean excaped) and am able to speak without a.....ummmm......uhhh.....sttttammmmer.

Here's a bit of free advice:

Everybody's time is valuable in some way, shape or form. Think of what you're going to say ahead of time and identify yourself in some manner, please. I don't know who the fuck you are (well, actually, sometimes I do) and I don't know who your doctor is (well, sometimes I do). Chances are I'm going to reply by saying "That would all depend on who you are and who your doctor is." Never fails - next response "oh." No, your name is not "oh" fucker (unless you are by some strange miracle in fact Saduharu Oh of Japanese baseball fame - not so much). So, tell me these things three when calling:

1. Your (fucking) name - no stuttering
2. State your intentions in ten words or less
3. Your doctor if applicable

If you have refills use the automated system. It is 2008 and we've all evolved - except you phone in your numbers guy. I've tried it, it's not hard. I won't go into detail, but just mottle through and make my life a little more peaceful.